22 June 2011

Lease on Life

Recently, and I mean as in yesterday, I discovered a new lease on life.

After seeing friends that I haven't seen in about 2-3 years, and realizing that we still fall into that easy comfort zone of familiarity with one another, I can say that it has made me appreciate the small, simple things, a lot more.

It also made me realize that I need to stop complying so easily to people, mainly my sisters. I love them, I do, but it's not big surprise that when I'm home, they use me, and not for my greater good, but for their greater good.

I watch the children, I feed the children, I clean the house.....recently my "step-sister" came down from Massachusetts and said that I was like "Consuela," the Mexican maid/nanny. I wanted to knock her fucking dirty head off after she said this, instead, I just told her to shut her slanderous whore mouth.

Don't get me wrong, seeing my niece and nephew after a couple of months is great, but I don't want to be around them all the time! It's tiring, and I believe that is part of the reason why I don't have children yet. I'm too selfish. I don't like to get up in the morning. I can barely take care of myself, let alone another life right now.....but I digress.

I also realized, yesterday, that my feelings for my "step-father" are not invalid, and I am entitled to every feeling that I have about him. Every little nuance, even the most minuscule. Yes, he is lying up in the hospital right now, not knowing if he is going to live or not, but that is not going to ebb the feelings that I have for him. Am I sorry this happened? Of course, I wouldn't wish anything like that on my worst enemy, but the fact of the matter is, he knew about it, and he did nothing for it, so I'm actually not that sorry for what is happening.

Yes, there are times of pity, mostly because he is the father to my two youngest sisters, but he never treated me like his child, and for what? Something my father did years ago before I could even fathom a single sentenced thought? He let that grudge he had against him take over his soul, and the poison that spilled out was always geared towards me, and those wounds are healing nicely, but to forget would just be ignorance on my part.

I know that I am a better person than he could have ever fathomed me to be.

I thank everyone that has helped me along in my journey, new friends, old friends, family, mentors and strangers. However, my journey to completeness is far from finished....I really feel like I have just begun.

1 comment: