20 February 2011

Emotional Gauntlet

Lately, I have been having my shares of ups and downs.....majority downs, but some ups are in there.

The only ups I can think of as of now are: May= Operation Graduation and the amusement I get when I pass and Earth Science quiz/test that I have never studied for.

Now, for the down and out.....

Today, I received news that two of my close friends were stabbed at a house party last night, add to the fact that my best guy friend in the world was at that house party and I found out about him being there hours later.

So, P and S, who got stabbed last night, are doing excellent, but I can process my emotions, and that is why I am so angry right now.

I am overjoyed that P & S didn't die, especially with the knowledge of their injuries. P got stabbed 4 times in the back and had some of his teeth knocked out and is now having difficulty breathing because one of his lungs was punctured from a stab. S was stabbed 9 times in the back and seems to be cheerful, and why shouldn't he be? He is one lucky man, and to think, I actually use to think he was an asshat (I'm so glad that we rekindled our friendship last semester though)

I want to process my emotions, I have always done this since childhood, in the solitude and quiet of my room, but I can't do it, because my roommate and her ever present friends are in the room....and it is angering me more. But oh, let me tell my roommate this, and she makes it all about herself -- forget the fact that I had two friends who could have died from senseless violence, oh no, it's going to be about her.

Here's an example of one of the few conversations we've had....I think you'll get my point:

A: Why don't you open up to me?
Me: That's what my friends are for. I consider you an acquittance, but not a friend. When we start hanging out and doing hood rat things, then I'll think about it.
A: Well, what do you want to do this weekend?
Me: I guess I should tell you, I have no feelings whatsoever about being your friend. We are roommates, nothing else.
A: Well, I don't understand then. Why did you want to be roommates with me then ?(Mind you, she begged me to be her roommate so that they wouldn't move someone in there that she didn't know, and she knows about my behaviour towards people)
Me: I'm going to my friends room now....
A: Why don't you ever stay in here and have a movie night with me? How come you are always leaving me?
Me: *Are you fucking serious? This chick is crazy!* <---those are always my thoughts.....Well bye....

Why doesn't my roommate understand that I have the need to be by myself or with people who understand my thought process and how I feel at the moment? I expect nothing from her, and she expects the moon and Saturn from me, and I just will not give her that....at all.

Speaking of the roommate, she just got all in my business about my friends in hospital, and I just kept saying no, and now she's pouting. I need for people to understand that their feelings aren't mine, and I won't respond how you would like me to....I just want to scream at the tops of my lungs, but I can't.......

If anything.....I need a vacation.

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