30 June 2011

On and on

Sometimes, I have major bouts of depression....it can last for a very long time, or it can pass as quickly as Sunday night dinner.

I hope that in this moment, it passes like Sunday night dinner.

I was watching this romantic comedy tonight with my mum, and I got to thinking about why I never was able to have that crazy kind of love with someone.

Why does it seem that I am inadequate?
Do I not measure up?
What can I possibly be lacking?

Of course, those questions shot at me like WW2 missals, making me even more angry and depressed than I already was.

I try to put on a brave face when I am facing depression, trying to make sure that the world doesn't get to me. I feel as though my heart can endure it since I always seem to be smiling anyway, and joking around, but honestly, my heart can only endure but so much. It's a dull ache in my heart whenever I see happy couples. I'm always jealous of a wedding proposal/marriage/pregnancy. I hide it well, but that still doesn't erase the fact that it is there, carefully hiding behind my lovely exterior.


I just want it to go away. I hate it when I have seeds of doubt.

29 June 2011

I'm hot

I say this literally and figuratively.

My house is hot because the A/C is acting up.......again, but through this total wave of hotness that has encompassed my house, I was able to find that I, myself, am one hot mama!

Hotness or Beauty is how the mind perceives it, right?

Well, whilst looking in the mirror after a freezing cold shower to cool my body temperature, I was making faces that other have said they found "cute" (Have I ever told you guys how much I hate the "c" word?)

I love the way my eyes light up when I think of something sentimental. I love the way they sparkle when I think fondly of someone.

I love the way my face contours at the slightest sign of unhappiness or total confusion.

I love the light freckles that dot my cheeks. (My sister has very very visible freckles that I use to be jealous of, but I'm so past that.)

I have come to learn to love my body, flaws and all, but the personable side comes out to play and up the ante on my flaws....a lot!

Now, don't think that I'm just letting myself go, because I don't. I'm very health conscience, so I know what I'm putting in my body, and I know how much my body needs of that certain food/beverage.

I'm a whiskey kind of girl with an eye for beauty and what I call "throw away" fashion (More on that in another blog).
I am my own trendsetter, following my heart and mind more than that of the populous.
I'm a go getter, following my dreams and aspirations.
I'm an artist, allowing my right brained activity to flow freely.
I am me.

A lot of people see me as adorably cute, I've been told that I will never be sexy, just cute, and I'm grasping it and coming to terms with it, because they are right, and I now see this.

Hot. Cute (I'll have to get use to this word). Adorable (this word too). I'm effing lovely and I love myself, and that's all that really matters.

26 June 2011

Gender Roles

I have a thing for gender roles.....

Rather, I a thing for dispelling gender roles, mainly because I don't believe in them.

I believe that if a little boys wants to play with an Easy Bake oven and a little girl wants to play with a Tonka truck filled to the brim with legos (something that my mum gave me as a child), then why not?

The real reason why I'm writing this blog is because of something that I have been observing lately. I have noticed that a certain someone in my life is raising her son to be a manly man....however, her son has a thing for a Barbie convertible that he told me was his "sexy boy" car, a kitchen set that is long since gone out to the pastures, princess dolls from a McD's happy meal and a thing for the colour purple.

I encourage him. He is a child, let his imagination take way into something great. She discourages it, telling him that football is the way to go and his favourite colour should be blue. (I guess it's because I'm so right brained and she's left brained....but that's a different topic for a different day.)

I want her and others to know that playing with a certain toy doesn't equate to being "gay." It just means, they are being themselves.

I have a friend who has a daughter who would rather wear jeans over a skirt and be comfy, but have hair like a "girl" (pigtails, bows, the works). At least she encourages her daughter to be and dress however she wants, and I vie for that when I do have children.

I want my future children to know that it's alright to be who they are, and I will never try to change them (Unless, of course, they go into a life of crime.....Ceiling Cat and my ever present baseball bat will be waiting to kick their ass.), I also want them to be comfortable with themselves, and never have to answer to anyone except whatever God or Deity they worship.

The above picture is oh so wrong.

Now, I can get with this picture.

25 June 2011


I am a shutterbug.

I especially like taking photos of myself in random poses and lighting, but my favourite lighting will always be....black and white (monochromatic).

Here are just a few:

23 June 2011


I'm in pain.
Extreme pain.

My period makes it so I am at least crippled for a good couple of days. It makes it so I don't enjoy the existence of others. To be honest, I don't enjoy the existence of others when my period is on.

Indeed, I want to be a recluse, only dwelling in my mind and never having to step out into the sunlight to see the bright, cheery faces of others. They make me sick.

If it weren't for these damned glasses that I've been wearing since grade 2 in primary school, it would be shades until the end of the period, but no....it's these damned glasses.

Let me back up here.
Why do I hate my period so much? You know, the little darling that lets me know that it is possible for me to give life to another?

Well......I have what you may call "painful periods" (yes, it's a medical term). It's not endometriosis, although I'm sure that it could very well end up to be that some day.

Instead, I can't walk, I can't run, I can exercise, I can barely eat. I'm constantly doubled over in crippling pain that causes me to cry just about every time a sensation ripples through my body. I'm usually a blubbering mess with a side of bitch for the 7-10 days I'm on (yup, I'm always in it for the long haul)

So, when I'm on my period, I advise people to not be around me.
I have weird cravings, and when people don't feed into my cravings, I become belligerent, and no one likes a very cranky, crampy, belligerent Ava.

So, if I must have my ice cream (which I shouldn't be eating, with my lactose intolerant ass) with some pickles and chips sprinkled on it, give it to me, or beware my wrath!

22 June 2011

Lease on Life

Recently, and I mean as in yesterday, I discovered a new lease on life.

After seeing friends that I haven't seen in about 2-3 years, and realizing that we still fall into that easy comfort zone of familiarity with one another, I can say that it has made me appreciate the small, simple things, a lot more.

It also made me realize that I need to stop complying so easily to people, mainly my sisters. I love them, I do, but it's not big surprise that when I'm home, they use me, and not for my greater good, but for their greater good.

I watch the children, I feed the children, I clean the house.....recently my "step-sister" came down from Massachusetts and said that I was like "Consuela," the Mexican maid/nanny. I wanted to knock her fucking dirty head off after she said this, instead, I just told her to shut her slanderous whore mouth.

Don't get me wrong, seeing my niece and nephew after a couple of months is great, but I don't want to be around them all the time! It's tiring, and I believe that is part of the reason why I don't have children yet. I'm too selfish. I don't like to get up in the morning. I can barely take care of myself, let alone another life right now.....but I digress.

I also realized, yesterday, that my feelings for my "step-father" are not invalid, and I am entitled to every feeling that I have about him. Every little nuance, even the most minuscule. Yes, he is lying up in the hospital right now, not knowing if he is going to live or not, but that is not going to ebb the feelings that I have for him. Am I sorry this happened? Of course, I wouldn't wish anything like that on my worst enemy, but the fact of the matter is, he knew about it, and he did nothing for it, so I'm actually not that sorry for what is happening.

Yes, there are times of pity, mostly because he is the father to my two youngest sisters, but he never treated me like his child, and for what? Something my father did years ago before I could even fathom a single sentenced thought? He let that grudge he had against him take over his soul, and the poison that spilled out was always geared towards me, and those wounds are healing nicely, but to forget would just be ignorance on my part.

I know that I am a better person than he could have ever fathomed me to be.

I thank everyone that has helped me along in my journey, new friends, old friends, family, mentors and strangers. However, my journey to completeness is far from finished....I really feel like I have just begun.