So Sorry!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while! I've been busy looking for jobs, checking out campus and on-line schools, and over all, just trying to get my muse back!

I think, and I hope I am right, that the month of October is going to be good to me. The moon phases and the planets are telling me so, so I'm going to have to agree that it is true.

I hope all is well with you all, and I promise that I am going to update as much as possible!

Ta ta for now loves!

Of Hurricanes and sleeping charms

So, seeing as how I am living on the bloody East Coast for the time being........we are getting sloshed with natural disasters.

In a few hours, a hurricane is supposed to make its way towards my neck of the woods and do whatever it pleases. I'm just happy that it's not going to be in the 3-5 category range, just within the 1-2 range.

Seeing as how I have also lived along the Gulf Coast, I think that I am mentally more prepared for said hurricane than others....which does give me a one up.

However, this state of paranoia that people are in, is vexing me so. The most we are going to get in my town will be heavy rains and wind, and the further up the hurricane travels, it will become a tropical storm, therefore, there really isn't need for worry, as we've had tropical storms before....but wait....this is the East Coast of America.....and sometimes, Americans panic about even the most mundane thing, so maybe, they are justified....maybe.

I, however, am just annoyed. My bloody birthgiver woke me up at 7 in the bleeding morning, talking about we have to man the grill, as in, move it under the patio. First off, I don't like people waking me up. If I don't come to naturally, my wrath is surely something people don't want to deal with. Second, we didn't even do what she planned, no, in all of her ratched glory, she had me wrap an extension cord around the grill and secure it so that the propane doesn't go to spoils.....instead of just putting it in the shed.

Then, she's like, well, since you 're up, clean the house......the fuck?! I wish she would just sod off right now, because not only am I completely knackered, I'm highly annoyed at her. In all of her paranoia, she forgot a lot of shit on her list of "to get for hurricane," and wants me to get it. That's a big not going to happen, not now, not ever. I kept having flashbacks to the time she made me go and get her some damn chicken and vodka (I swear, she can be so bloody ratched at times), and she knew a hail storm was coming, and I got trapped in that shit.....it lasted soooo long, and then she had the nerve to be mad because her food was cold....-__- So, like I stated....she wants something, she shall be getting it herself, because other than for meals, I shan't be leaving my room....

UGH....I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!!!!

Natural Disasters

So, the East Coast got hit with an Earthquake today.....shocking, I know.

It scared me a bit, because we are more than ill equipped for the likes of a fucking earthquake!

When I saw the table and myself shaking, I thought it was a divine spirit or some shit, but nope, when the china closet and the pots hanging above the sink started to shake, all hell broke out in my mind! I just knew it was an earthquake!

I walked outside, towel on my head, half of my locs braided and the other half in a sloppy ponytail, and others confirmed my suspicions......

Apparently, it started in Virginia, 5.8 to be exact. People from South Carolina-Massachusetts felt it, and as far west as Ohio felt it.

Scary, huh?

There are supposed to be after shocks too.......Let's see how I deal with all of that!

Languages! Oh Joy!

You see, I have quite an affinity when it comes to different languages......and I have quite an obsession when it comes to actually learning different languages.

I have already mastered English (well, it is my native tongue after all), French is my second language, Spanish is my third language, and Sign Language is kinda my fourth language (I only say that because I am still learning).

I think that everyone should have a firm grasp on at least one language other than their native, but that would just be wishful thinking, now wouldn't it?

Well, this post is really to plug learning a language. Learn one! If not with Rosetta Stone, then some other language tool (I have used Byki, which has helped me retain a lot of information with the various spoken languages), and for sign language, I use an on-line tool which has animations and pictures that make sure that you can assess the word as good as possible.

There are also language blogs out there to help as well!

Transparent language has great blogs with various languages (sans sign language), and they have great activities as well. http://www.transparent.com/french/

For sign language, I use http://www.lifeprint.com/ and it has been really, really helpful.

I suggest you get up and start learning! It can enhance your life greatly!

Phoenix Rising

It has been a while since I've posted.

Many life changes have been occurring.

My step-fathers funeral was this past Tuesday, closed casket, awaiting his cremation as I type.

The day of the funeral, I was there physically, but mentally, I wasn't. My mind wandered like there was no tomorrow on the horizon. I had long ago accepted his death, and I cried the day he died, but the days leading up to his funeral, I felt no sadness, no remorse, I literally felt nothing towards the man.

The day of his funeral, I was told that I was uncaring, like I didn't want to be there, as if I were bored, because I showed no emotions. I honestly don't care what people say about me, usually, but I can honestly say when I heard those assumptions, I was vexed! How dare someone judge me for my emotions?! I judge no one for there emotions, so the same should hold in my court, but then again, that would be asking for too much, wouldn't it?

Well, now that this is over and done with....I come to realise that it's not over and done with. I have been feeling cosy with the fact that my mum is finally getting rest, only to find out she wasn't, because with him being ill, a lot of the household responsibilities fell by the wayside.

It got to the point where......I may have to stay up here for and indefinite amount of time in order to get some-things straightened out with financial and familial issues. I am making myself feel like I won't regret it....because I can't regret it, since I've long ago coined the moniker "I have no regrets."

But, with all of this, I feel like I can become a new person, be a stronger me. I feel like I can rise from the ashes (hence, the title), and I can accomplish something totally wicked that I've not even thought of as of yet.....but it's looming on the horizon.

Maybe I'll stop feeling so knackered and finally start on the book that I've been itching to write.....or maybe I'll finally start my cookbook, or my own internet run crochet shop....maybe I'll use my major and keep pursuing a career with that.....just maybe.........

But for now, with all emotions played out, with people on my side, I am finally rising into something spectacular!

Tea!

I love tea.

A nice cuppa is all I need to keep me interested during the day, but at times, my mum thinks I go overboard. (She often tells me I need to go live in England, that's how much I love it)
I have to have it with brekkie, in between lunch, for lunch, in between dinner, for dinner and one before I head off to bed. 6 cups of tea keeps my energy levels up during the day.

I drink tea, not only because it's good, but because it has plenty of health benefits.

Here are some benefits of tea:

Oolong tea helps with aging (If you're as vain as I am about aging and such)

Green tea is full of antioxidants that protect against heart disease and cancer(Black tea fights against cancer as well). It can also help fight allergies and arthritis.

If you drink up to 5 cuppas a day, it can help lower cholesterol (But you must also have a good diet with it as well).

Green tea also aids in weight loss.

White tea has more qualities that help fight cancer as opposed to green tea and black tea.

The best kind of tea is loose leaf tea, because there are more antioxidants than bag tea.

Green tea is actually my favourite type of tea. It can be infused with Jasmine, lavender, citrus....it's just yummy! I've tried tea from all over, but not everyone can make a good cuppa. (Trust me, I've endured some nasty shit).

This one time, when I wanted some Earl Grey Milk Tea, my friend made me some. Only thing is, instead of soy milk (lactose intolerant over here), she used whole milk and added sugar. SUGAR! Sugar diminishes the flavour of tea, and it taste like I'm drinking hot arse! Disgusting. I believe that the best thing to go with tea is honey...honey...HONEY!

Sure, there are other types of tea, such as pomegranate, chamomile mango, peppermint, detoxing teas, pms tea, black raspberry tea, fruit tea, you name it, they have probably created.

Tea......what a wondrous drink! (Except for Mexican Hot chocolate of course!)

Mean Girls

I love Mean Girls, the movie, but not real life Mean Girls.

What is this post about?

Well, it's about my mum, actually. I've come to realise that she's a late in life mean girl. There are the snide remarks about my step-fathers oldest child (who isn't my blood sister), then there is the pettiness that goes on throughout the day with my sisters and I, then there is the sheer fact that she always, and I mean fucking always, thinks she's right, even when she jumps into a conversation that has absolutely nothing to do with her and she puts her two cents in.

Honestly, it's all getting on my nerves and reminds me of why I left this house for 5 years in the first place......to get away from it all, and to make matters worse, her intensity as a mean girl is getting worse and worse the further she delves into her menopause stage.....I could bear with it, but I refuse.

Why couldn't she just be a late in life lesbian instead and save us all some heart ache?

Happenings....happenings.....

This past weekend was physically and mentally exhausting. It was as if I went mind travelling and never returned!

Well, the 23 marked a happy, but tragic day. My nephew turned 5 and thinks he's now grown enough to make his own brekkie and pudding.....as if. It also marked the day that the great, amazing Amy Winehouse passed. (My mate told me this, and I'm still upset about it). My mum was all like "get over it, you didn't even know her and it was her fault that this ocurred anyway..." When I tell you her head was about to roll................I digress.

Here is one of my many favourite Amy Winehouse song and video

Now, we manoeuvre over to Sunday. Nothing really occurred except the fact that I had to get away from my mum for a few because she was taking my emotions to new places that I rarely allow them to travel. So, to the farmer's market my sister and I went, to get some Frooties and some great pizza (which is still amazing to me, because I rarely eat pizza). Then back home.....dreading, just fucking dreading it because her menopause is making her even more moodier than before. The day creeps on slowly, so fucking slowly that I want to blow my brains out, but then I remembered that I don't have time to die at the moment, too much to accomplish in life and too many things I've yet to see.

Monday comes to a deafening roll, and nothing seems to be going right, my nephew thinks it's a good thing to use me as a punching bag, me, a young woman who can barely hold down food these days and am losing weight like a freightened chicken, and my mum is always needing me to do something in the house to help my sick step-father (as if she doesn't have any more children in the house), and I'm ready to keel the fuck over, like seriously. I want to become a recluse but in this damned house, that's impossible. Why can't I have a Room of Requirement in my house like they do at Hogwarts?! *le sigh*

Hopefully Tuesday jusqu'a (see that French, it means through, or to) Sunday gives me peace and serenity.....

I'm drained!

I have had so much life altering things going on in my life.......it boggles the mind!

My step-dad got put on hospice care for the week to see if they can reverse his anxiety about sleeping at night, so that means that my mum and I should have very little trouble finding sleep, n'est pas?

Wrong!

Here it is, 2h13 EST, and I am wide the fuck awake. Yay me -__-.

Why can't I sleep?

Maybe it's because of the ups and downs of the past week.

I've had my share of excitement on both ends of the spectrum, and I only want to keep one end of that spectrum up and running because it's something beyond fantastic, if I do say so.

Sigh. This post was clearly a ramble to get my thoughts down a bit, maybe to try to calm my mind.....too bad my mind isn't calm yet.

Oh, and they want to teach gay history in Calif. schools. Yay! But let's see how this goes over with the residents first....(this is another blog for another day, clearly).

Goodnight/Good morning/Good afternoon!

The one day i get a breather

I am feeling under the weather..........

My life, i swear

My Thoughts on the Casey Anthony Case

I have been following this case since I heard about it from Nancy Grace a year or so ago. I have looked at the evidence, I have looked at Casey Anthony and how she conducted herself when interviewed, with and without her parents present, and it just doesn't add up.

She's guilty of what has happened to her daughter.

I don't study law, but I do dabble in it from time to time, and I can say that the prosecution was spot on, give or take a few errors. The defense attorney was horrible, however, and I, when watching the case, just knew she was going to be found guilty of all charges. No, she was found guilty of one charge, I believe (I had to turn the telly off at one point, I couldn't take it anymore) and that was for falsifying information.

My thought process is, you clearly see that the evidence is piling up, and against her. Her daughter was found in her car, so was chloroform, and she googled how to kill someone. Let's not forget the fact that she didn't say anything about poor Caylee's disappearance until her mother called to check in on them, 31 days later, yet, she was still found NOT GUILTY?!

How can that be?

Not to mention the fact that, instead of holding her head in some type of shame, because she knows she did it, she's smiling for the cameras. Yes, you can be excited that you JUST GOT AWAY WITH MURDER and all, but why not look remorseful that you will NEVER SEE YOUR DAUGHTER EVER AGAIN? Oh wait, she won't look remorseful because, well, she got away with it. Her daughter is no longer apart of her life,and that's what she really wanted, correct? She doesn't care that Caylee is long gone, she cares about herself, and that reminds me of a sociopath, and that is not a good thing.

She's a horrid person, and I say, since she has been proven innocent,to sterilize her, to further prevent that we would ever have to see her horrid ass on trail again.

Even though Caylee got no justice, thanks to the great legal system of Florida, Caylee will get street justice....that's how it always works when the criminal gets off.

I have never said this before, and I hope that this is the last time I will ever have to say this about another person or their character, but I hate Casey Anthony. I hate the fact that she got off, I hate the fact that she was talking about how much she loved her father and how much he's been their for her, but then turns around in court and says that he molested her, I hate the fact that she is showing no remorse, none whatsoever in the fact that her daughter is now dead, I hate her being.

Karma is a true bitch when it wants to be, and she'll get her comeuppance.

Am I any less of a woman?

I realized that I have never had the pleasure of tell you all about my feelings of masculinity and femininity.

As we all know, when one thinks of masculinity, one thinks of a man with big, brooding muscles and a sense of responsibility and humour that makes you masculine.

Usually, also, when one thinks of femininity, one thinks of frilly, lush outfits and hair that hangs with the right precision. Add in the personality that a woman should have, and well, there you go, femininity.

Well, what about having a good balance of both?

I believe that every person should have a good balance of both, give or take a few lost/gained points in each category.

Am I less of a woman because I enjoy a Corona or whiskey every once in a while?

Am I less of a woman because weed may/may not entice me?

Am I more of a man because I love to mow the lawn?

Am I more of a man because I can fix rotors on a car and do various fix em up jobs around the house?

If anything, I am more of a hands on person, more of a human.

Does my vast knowledge of womanism/feminism make me more of a woman?

Does my wardrobe make me less of a man, what, with the frilly dresses and skirts?

You see, this is why ones femininity/masculinity cannot be defined, nor placed. It's not that simple or easy to try, either.

You cannot define my femininity, and I dare you to try.

On and on

Sometimes, I have major bouts of depression....it can last for a very long time, or it can pass as quickly as Sunday night dinner.

I hope that in this moment, it passes like Sunday night dinner.

I was watching this romantic comedy tonight with my mum, and I got to thinking about why I never was able to have that crazy kind of love with someone.

Why does it seem that I am inadequate?

Do I not measure up?

What can I possibly be lacking?

Of course, those questions shot at me like WW2 missals, making me even more angry and depressed than I already was.

I try to put on a brave face when I am facing depression, trying to make sure that the world doesn't get to me. I feel as though my heart can endure it since I always seem to be smiling anyway, and joking around, but honestly, my heart can only endure but so much. It's a dull ache in my heart whenever I see happy couples. I'm always jealous of a wedding proposal/marriage/pregnancy. I hide it well, but that still doesn't erase the fact that it is there, carefully hiding behind my lovely exterior.

*sigh*

I just want it to go away. I hate it when I have seeds of doubt.

Lease on Life

Recently, and I mean as in yesterday, I discovered a new lease on life.

After seeing friends that I haven't seen in about 2-3 years, and realizing that we still fall into that easy comfort zone of familiarity with one another, I can say that it has made me appreciate the small, simple things, a lot more.

It also made me realize that I need to stop complying so easily to people, mainly my sisters. I love them, I do, but it's not big surprise that when I'm home, they use me, and not for my greater good, but for their greater good.

I watch the children, I feed the children, I clean the house.....recently my "step-sister" came down from Massachusetts and said that I was like "Consuela," the Mexican maid/nanny. I wanted to knock her fucking dirty head off after she said this, instead, I just told her to shut her slanderous whore mouth.

Don't get me wrong, seeing my niece and nephew after a couple of months is great, but I don't want to be around them all the time! It's tiring, and I believe that is part of the reason why I don't have children yet. I'm too selfish. I don't like to get up in the morning. I can barely take care of myself, let alone another life right now.....but I digress.

I also realized, yesterday, that my feelings for my "step-father" are not invalid, and I am entitled to every feeling that I have about him. Every little nuance, even the most minuscule. Yes, he is lying up in the hospital right now, not knowing if he is going to live or not, but that is not going to ebb the feelings that I have for him. Am I sorry this happened? Of course, I wouldn't wish anything like that on my worst enemy, but the fact of the matter is, he knew about it, and he did nothing for it, so I'm actually not that sorry for what is happening.

Yes, there are times of pity, mostly because he is the father to my two youngest sisters, but he never treated me like his child, and for what? Something my father did years ago before I could even fathom a single sentenced thought? He let that grudge he had against him take over his soul, and the poison that spilled out was always geared towards me, and those wounds are healing nicely, but to forget would just be ignorance on my part.

I know that I am a better person than he could have ever fathomed me to be.

I thank everyone that has helped me along in my journey, new friends, old friends, family, mentors and strangers. However, my journey to completeness is far from finished....I really feel like I have just begun.

Emotional Gauntlet

Lately, I have been having my shares of ups and downs.....majority downs, but some ups are in there.

The only ups I can think of as of now are: May= Operation Graduation and the amusement I get when I pass and Earth Science quiz/test that I have never studied for.

Now, for the down and out.....

Today, I received news that two of my close friends were stabbed at a house party last night, add to the fact that my best guy friend in the world was at that house party and I found out about him being there hours later.

So, P and S, who got stabbed last night, are doing excellent, but I can process my emotions, and that is why I am so angry right now.

I am overjoyed that P & S didn't die, especially with the knowledge of their injuries. P got stabbed 4 times in the back and had some of his teeth knocked out and is now having difficulty breathing because one of his lungs was punctured from a stab. S was stabbed 9 times in the back and seems to be cheerful, and why shouldn't he be? He is one lucky man, and to think, I actually use to think he was an asshat (I'm so glad that we rekindled our friendship last semester though)

I want to process my emotions, I have always done this since childhood, in the solitude and quiet of my room, but I can't do it, because my roommate and her ever present friends are in the room....and it is angering me more. But oh, let me tell my roommate this, and she makes it all about herself -- forget the fact that I had two friends who could have died from senseless violence, oh no, it's going to be about her.

Here's an example of one of the few conversations we've had....I think you'll get my point:

A: Why don't you open up to me?

Me: That's what my friends are for. I consider you an acquittance, but not a friend. When we start hanging out and doing hood rat things, then I'll think about it.

A: Well, what do you want to do this weekend?

Me: I guess I should tell you, I have no feelings whatsoever about being your friend. We are roommates, nothing else.

A: Well, I don't understand then. Why did you want to be roommates with me then ?(Mind you, she begged me to be her roommate so that they wouldn't move someone in there that she didn't know, and she knows about my behaviour towards people)

Me: I'm going to my friends room now....

A: Why don't you ever stay in here and have a movie night with me? How come you are always leaving me?

Me: *Are you fucking serious? This chick is crazy!* <---those are always my thoughts.....Well bye....

Why doesn't my roommate understand that I have the need to be by myself or with people who understand my thought process and how I feel at the moment? I expect nothing from her, and she expects the moon and Saturn from me, and I just will not give her that....at all.

Speaking of the roommate, she just got all in my business about my friends in hospital, and I just kept saying no, and now she's pouting. I need for people to understand that their feelings aren't mine, and I won't respond how you would like me to....I just want to scream at the tops of my lungs, but I can't.......

If anything.....I need a vacation.

Return from Bedlam

It's been a while.

A LONG while.

How is everyone doing?

Great I hope!

So, what's been going on in my tiny speck of the world? Oh....gearing up for graduation just happens to be on my list of things to do.

I moved in with a new roommate, whom I absolutely love to pieces.

Crushing on a friend (yea....I said it....but I learned how to keep it under wraps, and I really think it's just a crush because I haven't had a partner a long time, so...you know....it's there, which I guess is really bad in and of itself, but it will dissipate within a few days....they always do)

I started loc'ing my hair. (Many people would think that this is such a butch dyke move, but if you knew me, you would know I'm so GIRLY, and I don't think a new hair do' should determine ones sexual orientation either, but I digress)

I'm venturing out into business for a haircare line catered to all women of all colours/ethnic backgrounds.

And I'm enjoying my life.....well, most of it.....(Hey, you....if you're out there....you KNOW you want me....so come and get me...m'kay?! LOL)

Maybe I'm still stuck in Bedlam after all....

Hello Everyone

I hope that everyone had a happy thanksgiving...mines sucked....

Let me give you the run down...it goes from mild..bad..to fcuk it all!

1. Woke up late for my 1st day of work...by an hour because I was up all night cooking...but that's ok, because the manager clocked us in for the right time.

2. Got let go early because they couldn't afford to keep me working today, cool...

3. Driving my friends car back, the tire goes flat. I pull over, a lady makes a u-turn to help me. I had to use her phone because right now I don't have one. My friend calls her phone back and the lady told her that I hit her car, I was hysterical....mind you, see made a u-turn to make sure that I was ok...I was parked when she got to me.

4. I get news that an old friend of mine from secondary school was killed last night when a drunk driver hit his car with 3 other friends head on.

All I can say right now...I am grateful for life, even if it sucks a lot of the time for me.

I'm mad that he died....he was so likeable and loveable, and what, because a person decides to get in his/her car and drive the wrong way down the street? C'mon! All I can say is R.I.P.

It's my Birthday!!!

Well...the 18th is...but since I don't know when I will be able to get on tomorrow, I decided that I would make this post right now!

I will be 22 y/o tomorrow, and that means one thing....I'm getting olde! I'm going to have to break out the anti-wrinkle cream!

(If you can't tell by now...I'm really vain about my age...watch, as soon as I turn 25, I'm going to start telling people that I'm 20).

Anyway....

YAY FOR ME! (and everyone else who has a birthday on the 18th).

20 Oct. 2010

I support today's cause.

It's the 20 Oct. 2010, and purple is my colour of choice to help end LGBT bullying world wide.

Quick Post

I am all paid off for the semester!!! YAY!

That means filling out graduation applications, GRE studying to do, Grad school/post programme applications to fill out, REFUND CHECK, a new phone, and some more hair supplies for my natural, kinky, coily hair!!!!! I haz excitment!

I am content.