Many life changes have been occurring.
My step-fathers funeral was this past Tuesday, closed casket, awaiting his cremation as I type.
The day of the funeral, I was there physically, but mentally, I wasn't. My mind wandered like there was no tomorrow on the horizon. I had long ago accepted his death, and I cried the day he died, but the days leading up to his funeral, I felt no sadness, no remorse, I literally felt nothing towards the man.
The day of his funeral, I was told that I was uncaring, like I didn't want to be there, as if I were bored, because I showed no emotions. I honestly don't care what people say about me, usually, but I can honestly say when I heard those assumptions, I was vexed! How dare someone judge me for my emotions?! I judge no one for there emotions, so the same should hold in my court, but then again, that would be asking for too much, wouldn't it?
Well, now that this is over and done with....I come to realise that it's not over and done with. I have been feeling cosy with the fact that my mum is finally getting rest, only to find out she wasn't, because with him being ill, a lot of the household responsibilities fell by the wayside.
It got to the point where......I may have to stay up here for and indefinite amount of time in order to get some-things straightened out with financial and familial issues. I am making myself feel like I won't regret it....because I can't regret it, since I've long ago coined the moniker "I have no regrets."
But, with all of this, I feel like I can become a new person, be a stronger me. I feel like I can rise from the ashes (hence, the title), and I can accomplish something totally wicked that I've not even thought of as of yet.....but it's looming on the horizon.
Maybe I'll stop feeling so knackered and finally start on the book that I've been itching to write.....or maybe I'll finally start my cookbook, or my own internet run crochet shop....maybe I'll use my major and keep pursuing a career with that.....just maybe.........
But for now, with all emotions played out, with people on my side, I am finally rising into something spectacular!
I am glad that you are looking into the future. While I support your idea of staying home and helping with your family because of the financial and emotional distress your step-father's passing have caused, I can't help but wonder if this is the real reasoning behind the motives. I mean no disrespect because I do know how it feels to lose someone and the distress that it cause. However, somethings cannot be placed on hold. I am only afraid that you staying home will cause you to put your dreams on hold, which can lead to a full-on stop. I have seen this happen to many of my friends and I wish and pray that it does not happen to you. <3 always
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what you are talking about and where you are coming from with said assumption.
ReplyDeleteAs much as I would like to go back right this instant to New Orleans, hell, anywhere but Delaware (hey, that rhymes!), I simply can't at the moment.
However, I know what it feels like to put my dreams on hold, and I simply am not that person any-more. I would rather tie up the loose ends here, and then head somewhere where I WANT TO BE, not where someone volunteers me to be.
I appreciate your concerns unnie, I really do, but I really think that while I am stuck here, that I can also grow from it.
And trust, I already have a time table to visit you in St. Marteen as well (Nothing could keep me from that)
Love you much hun!