Lease on Life

Recently, and I mean as in yesterday, I discovered a new lease on life.

After seeing friends that I haven't seen in about 2-3 years, and realizing that we still fall into that easy comfort zone of familiarity with one another, I can say that it has made me appreciate the small, simple things, a lot more.

It also made me realize that I need to stop complying so easily to people, mainly my sisters. I love them, I do, but it's not big surprise that when I'm home, they use me, and not for my greater good, but for their greater good.

I watch the children, I feed the children, I clean the house.....recently my "step-sister" came down from Massachusetts and said that I was like "Consuela," the Mexican maid/nanny. I wanted to knock her fucking dirty head off after she said this, instead, I just told her to shut her slanderous whore mouth.

Don't get me wrong, seeing my niece and nephew after a couple of months is great, but I don't want to be around them all the time! It's tiring, and I believe that is part of the reason why I don't have children yet. I'm too selfish. I don't like to get up in the morning. I can barely take care of myself, let alone another life right now.....but I digress.

I also realized, yesterday, that my feelings for my "step-father" are not invalid, and I am entitled to every feeling that I have about him. Every little nuance, even the most minuscule. Yes, he is lying up in the hospital right now, not knowing if he is going to live or not, but that is not going to ebb the feelings that I have for him. Am I sorry this happened? Of course, I wouldn't wish anything like that on my worst enemy, but the fact of the matter is, he knew about it, and he did nothing for it, so I'm actually not that sorry for what is happening.

Yes, there are times of pity, mostly because he is the father to my two youngest sisters, but he never treated me like his child, and for what? Something my father did years ago before I could even fathom a single sentenced thought? He let that grudge he had against him take over his soul, and the poison that spilled out was always geared towards me, and those wounds are healing nicely, but to forget would just be ignorance on my part.

I know that I am a better person than he could have ever fathomed me to be.

I thank everyone that has helped me along in my journey, new friends, old friends, family, mentors and strangers. However, my journey to completeness is far from finished....I really feel like I have just begun.

Emotional Gauntlet

Lately, I have been having my shares of ups and downs.....majority downs, but some ups are in there.

The only ups I can think of as of now are: May= Operation Graduation and the amusement I get when I pass and Earth Science quiz/test that I have never studied for.

Now, for the down and out.....

Today, I received news that two of my close friends were stabbed at a house party last night, add to the fact that my best guy friend in the world was at that house party and I found out about him being there hours later.

So, P and S, who got stabbed last night, are doing excellent, but I can process my emotions, and that is why I am so angry right now.

I am overjoyed that P & S didn't die, especially with the knowledge of their injuries. P got stabbed 4 times in the back and had some of his teeth knocked out and is now having difficulty breathing because one of his lungs was punctured from a stab. S was stabbed 9 times in the back and seems to be cheerful, and why shouldn't he be? He is one lucky man, and to think, I actually use to think he was an asshat (I'm so glad that we rekindled our friendship last semester though)

I want to process my emotions, I have always done this since childhood, in the solitude and quiet of my room, but I can't do it, because my roommate and her ever present friends are in the room....and it is angering me more. But oh, let me tell my roommate this, and she makes it all about herself -- forget the fact that I had two friends who could have died from senseless violence, oh no, it's going to be about her.

Here's an example of one of the few conversations we've had....I think you'll get my point:

A: Why don't you open up to me?

Me: That's what my friends are for. I consider you an acquittance, but not a friend. When we start hanging out and doing hood rat things, then I'll think about it.

A: Well, what do you want to do this weekend?

Me: I guess I should tell you, I have no feelings whatsoever about being your friend. We are roommates, nothing else.

A: Well, I don't understand then. Why did you want to be roommates with me then ?(Mind you, she begged me to be her roommate so that they wouldn't move someone in there that she didn't know, and she knows about my behaviour towards people)

Me: I'm going to my friends room now....

A: Why don't you ever stay in here and have a movie night with me? How come you are always leaving me?

Me: *Are you fucking serious? This chick is crazy!* <---those are always my thoughts.....Well bye....

Why doesn't my roommate understand that I have the need to be by myself or with people who understand my thought process and how I feel at the moment? I expect nothing from her, and she expects the moon and Saturn from me, and I just will not give her that....at all.

Speaking of the roommate, she just got all in my business about my friends in hospital, and I just kept saying no, and now she's pouting. I need for people to understand that their feelings aren't mine, and I won't respond how you would like me to....I just want to scream at the tops of my lungs, but I can't.......

If anything.....I need a vacation.

Return from Bedlam

It's been a while.

A LONG while.

How is everyone doing?

Great I hope!

So, what's been going on in my tiny speck of the world? Oh....gearing up for graduation just happens to be on my list of things to do.

I moved in with a new roommate, whom I absolutely love to pieces.

Crushing on a friend (yea....I said it....but I learned how to keep it under wraps, and I really think it's just a crush because I haven't had a partner a long time, so...you know....it's there, which I guess is really bad in and of itself, but it will dissipate within a few days....they always do)

I started loc'ing my hair. (Many people would think that this is such a butch dyke move, but if you knew me, you would know I'm so GIRLY, and I don't think a new hair do' should determine ones sexual orientation either, but I digress)

I'm venturing out into business for a haircare line catered to all women of all colours/ethnic backgrounds.

And I'm enjoying my life.....well, most of it.....(Hey, you....if you're out there....you KNOW you want me....so come and get me...m'kay?! LOL)

Maybe I'm still stuck in Bedlam after all....

Return of the Ex...

Once upon a time ago, I dated this guy....I thought I liked him, but no. Anyway, I knew it was dead end, so I ended it. We lasted for 2wks.

So, today, he comes to my house...drunk and high. He's ranting and raving talking about how he just got out of jail, yada, yada, yada...So, he's talking to my sister, cousin, mum and I, cussing in front of her and the babies in the room. He's talking about how he needs a ride to his car so he can go somewhere...so I take him, just to get him out of my house.

So, while driving...he throws up. I stop the car and let him go at it...for like 5 minutes. He composes himself...a little bit, and he keeps saying that he needs some condoms.... I buy them for him because he is incoherent and ignorant at the time. We go back to the car...all the while trying to grope me from behind and try to let me get him to...ahem "eat my box."

Now, I'm fuming. I'm pissed that I even drove him anywhere...but my nice ass can't say no to anyone, so I'm stuck being a chauffeur to someone that I haven't seen in 5yrs.

I checked him into the hotel, because clearly he can't drive. He is still groping me and making me upset..the clerk saw this, and gave him the room at a discount and helped me to get him up the stairs. I get him in the room, turn on his lights, make sure he has all of the amenities and I make a clean break!

This has been an interesting and upsetting night. A little excitement...a little less fun than the night that I had to climb my drunk ass over my fence and break into the back door (another story for another day).

I just feel like he treated me like a piece of meat...I haven't been treated like that in a long time, and I was upset. So, I went across the street to ask an old friend about him...and apparently he has a mental condition, so now I feel all bad that I was cursing him out and talking about him...but I'm still upset...I'm so fucking discombobulated in my thoughts right now that I don't know how I should feel.

UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!