Phoenix Rising

It has been a while since I've posted.

Many life changes have been occurring.

My step-fathers funeral was this past Tuesday, closed casket, awaiting his cremation as I type.

The day of the funeral, I was there physically, but mentally, I wasn't. My mind wandered like there was no tomorrow on the horizon. I had long ago accepted his death, and I cried the day he died, but the days leading up to his funeral, I felt no sadness, no remorse, I literally felt nothing towards the man.

The day of his funeral, I was told that I was uncaring, like I didn't want to be there, as if I were bored, because I showed no emotions. I honestly don't care what people say about me, usually, but I can honestly say when I heard those assumptions, I was vexed! How dare someone judge me for my emotions?! I judge no one for there emotions, so the same should hold in my court, but then again, that would be asking for too much, wouldn't it?

Well, now that this is over and done with....I come to realise that it's not over and done with. I have been feeling cosy with the fact that my mum is finally getting rest, only to find out she wasn't, because with him being ill, a lot of the household responsibilities fell by the wayside.

It got to the point where......I may have to stay up here for and indefinite amount of time in order to get some-things straightened out with financial and familial issues. I am making myself feel like I won't regret it....because I can't regret it, since I've long ago coined the moniker "I have no regrets."

But, with all of this, I feel like I can become a new person, be a stronger me. I feel like I can rise from the ashes (hence, the title), and I can accomplish something totally wicked that I've not even thought of as of yet.....but it's looming on the horizon.

Maybe I'll stop feeling so knackered and finally start on the book that I've been itching to write.....or maybe I'll finally start my cookbook, or my own internet run crochet shop....maybe I'll use my major and keep pursuing a career with that.....just maybe.........

But for now, with all emotions played out, with people on my side, I am finally rising into something spectacular!

When Things Fall by the Wayside

As you all know, my step-father departed life on Tuesday of this week. I have accepted that he was going to depart from his life soon a long time ago. Others.....not so much.

People having been yelling.....let's be more specific...they have been yelling at me. What did I do? I have done nothing. When my mum ask for things, I'll do them, but she has no shame in yelling at me. Honestly? She really needs to bugger off! She makes it seem like I wasn't there for her the whole time and I'm not mourning.

I am mourning. just in my own way, and I would greatly appreciate it if she would understand that.

Not to mention, my sister ain't shit. They are prats, pricks, arseholes, motherfuckers....whatever derogatory word you can think of, that is what they are in my book at the moment.

Not only are they so consumed with their lives to pull it together and get along, they blame me for everything as well. Like, what the fuck?

Things are going to be rough for us all for the next couple of months, and instead of seeing that, and trying to get it together, bitches want to bitch and moan, as if we are doing this for shits and giggles.

Shit is real, and they need to realise that.

Ok....that just helped me blow off some serious steam! Thanks for reading!

Fall of a Man

Yesterday, I awoke at 5h35, to find that my sister was standing over my step-father. I had awoke at that time because it was almost time for my shift to make sure that he made it through the night.

He indeed made it through the night, but he ceased to keep on living that morning. My youngest sister was standing over him, and that was because he had passed silently through the night.

I really didn't know how to feel. Of course, I shed a couple of tears, but after that, I couldn't. I remember standing on my deck, looking out at the rising sun and shedding tears, and I saw this old man, doing his morning run, and I realised that no matter what, life goes on. With that new attitude, I stopped the tears and continued on with my day, greeting grievers, making food for grievers and family, cleaning, making sure my sisters were all ok and escaping.

It's not like I'm cold, because I'm not, and I surely don't have the emotional range as a grain of salt, but showing any sign of weakness has never been big to me. I couldn't break down in front of people, so I acted nonchalant about the whole ordeal. Did I get a few odd looks and odd conversations? Of course, what those people don't realise is that this is the only way I can deal with grief.

What they also don't understand is that he wasn't always the best of fathers to me (He loathed my biological father so much, and the fact that I look like my father doesn't help much either), and he often treated me as a red headed step-child, but I still can't forget the good times, for if I did, I would only dwell in the darkness and remain ignorant of the times he actually did help me out.

Do I miss him? Of course, but I knew that this week would be his time. I felt it months ago that it would be this week, and I've accepted it, especially after seeing his dead body lying next to our heads in the morning.

Will the upcoming months be rough for my sisters and mum? Of course, and the only thing that I can do is help them. It's not that I'm unfazed by the events, I just realise that these events make me a bit stronger and able to withstand things a bit more than the normal person.