Monochromatic

I am a shutterbug.

I especially like taking photos of myself in random poses and lighting, but my favourite lighting will always be....black and white (monochromatic).

Here are just a few:

Ouch!

I'm in pain.

Extreme pain.

My period makes it so I am at least crippled for a good couple of days. It makes it so I don't enjoy the existence of others. To be honest, I don't enjoy the existence of others when my period is on.

Indeed, I want to be a recluse, only dwelling in my mind and never having to step out into the sunlight to see the bright, cheery faces of others. They make me sick.

If it weren't for these damned glasses that I've been wearing since grade 2 in primary school, it would be shades until the end of the period, but no....it's these damned glasses.

Let me back up here.

Why do I hate my period so much? You know, the little darling that lets me know that it is possible for me to give life to another?

Well......I have what you may call "painful periods" (yes, it's a medical term). It's not endometriosis, although I'm sure that it could very well end up to be that some day.

Instead, I can't walk, I can't run, I can exercise, I can barely eat. I'm constantly doubled over in crippling pain that causes me to cry just about every time a sensation ripples through my body. I'm usually a blubbering mess with a side of bitch for the 7-10 days I'm on (yup, I'm always in it for the long haul)

So, when I'm on my period, I advise people to not be around me.

I have weird cravings, and when people don't feed into my cravings, I become belligerent, and no one likes a very cranky, crampy, belligerent Ava.

So, if I must have my ice cream (which I shouldn't be eating, with my lactose intolerant ass) with some pickles and chips sprinkled on it, give it to me, or beware my wrath!

Lease on Life

Recently, and I mean as in yesterday, I discovered a new lease on life.

After seeing friends that I haven't seen in about 2-3 years, and realizing that we still fall into that easy comfort zone of familiarity with one another, I can say that it has made me appreciate the small, simple things, a lot more.

It also made me realize that I need to stop complying so easily to people, mainly my sisters. I love them, I do, but it's not big surprise that when I'm home, they use me, and not for my greater good, but for their greater good.

I watch the children, I feed the children, I clean the house.....recently my "step-sister" came down from Massachusetts and said that I was like "Consuela," the Mexican maid/nanny. I wanted to knock her fucking dirty head off after she said this, instead, I just told her to shut her slanderous whore mouth.

Don't get me wrong, seeing my niece and nephew after a couple of months is great, but I don't want to be around them all the time! It's tiring, and I believe that is part of the reason why I don't have children yet. I'm too selfish. I don't like to get up in the morning. I can barely take care of myself, let alone another life right now.....but I digress.

I also realized, yesterday, that my feelings for my "step-father" are not invalid, and I am entitled to every feeling that I have about him. Every little nuance, even the most minuscule. Yes, he is lying up in the hospital right now, not knowing if he is going to live or not, but that is not going to ebb the feelings that I have for him. Am I sorry this happened? Of course, I wouldn't wish anything like that on my worst enemy, but the fact of the matter is, he knew about it, and he did nothing for it, so I'm actually not that sorry for what is happening.

Yes, there are times of pity, mostly because he is the father to my two youngest sisters, but he never treated me like his child, and for what? Something my father did years ago before I could even fathom a single sentenced thought? He let that grudge he had against him take over his soul, and the poison that spilled out was always geared towards me, and those wounds are healing nicely, but to forget would just be ignorance on my part.

I know that I am a better person than he could have ever fathomed me to be.

I thank everyone that has helped me along in my journey, new friends, old friends, family, mentors and strangers. However, my journey to completeness is far from finished....I really feel like I have just begun.

Emotional Gauntlet

Lately, I have been having my shares of ups and downs.....majority downs, but some ups are in there.

The only ups I can think of as of now are: May= Operation Graduation and the amusement I get when I pass and Earth Science quiz/test that I have never studied for.

Now, for the down and out.....

Today, I received news that two of my close friends were stabbed at a house party last night, add to the fact that my best guy friend in the world was at that house party and I found out about him being there hours later.

So, P and S, who got stabbed last night, are doing excellent, but I can process my emotions, and that is why I am so angry right now.

I am overjoyed that P & S didn't die, especially with the knowledge of their injuries. P got stabbed 4 times in the back and had some of his teeth knocked out and is now having difficulty breathing because one of his lungs was punctured from a stab. S was stabbed 9 times in the back and seems to be cheerful, and why shouldn't he be? He is one lucky man, and to think, I actually use to think he was an asshat (I'm so glad that we rekindled our friendship last semester though)

I want to process my emotions, I have always done this since childhood, in the solitude and quiet of my room, but I can't do it, because my roommate and her ever present friends are in the room....and it is angering me more. But oh, let me tell my roommate this, and she makes it all about herself -- forget the fact that I had two friends who could have died from senseless violence, oh no, it's going to be about her.

Here's an example of one of the few conversations we've had....I think you'll get my point:

A: Why don't you open up to me?

Me: That's what my friends are for. I consider you an acquittance, but not a friend. When we start hanging out and doing hood rat things, then I'll think about it.

A: Well, what do you want to do this weekend?

Me: I guess I should tell you, I have no feelings whatsoever about being your friend. We are roommates, nothing else.

A: Well, I don't understand then. Why did you want to be roommates with me then ?(Mind you, she begged me to be her roommate so that they wouldn't move someone in there that she didn't know, and she knows about my behaviour towards people)

Me: I'm going to my friends room now....

A: Why don't you ever stay in here and have a movie night with me? How come you are always leaving me?

Me: *Are you fucking serious? This chick is crazy!* <---those are always my thoughts.....Well bye....

Why doesn't my roommate understand that I have the need to be by myself or with people who understand my thought process and how I feel at the moment? I expect nothing from her, and she expects the moon and Saturn from me, and I just will not give her that....at all.

Speaking of the roommate, she just got all in my business about my friends in hospital, and I just kept saying no, and now she's pouting. I need for people to understand that their feelings aren't mine, and I won't respond how you would like me to....I just want to scream at the tops of my lungs, but I can't.......

If anything.....I need a vacation.

Return from Bedlam

It's been a while.

A LONG while.

How is everyone doing?

Great I hope!

So, what's been going on in my tiny speck of the world? Oh....gearing up for graduation just happens to be on my list of things to do.

I moved in with a new roommate, whom I absolutely love to pieces.

Crushing on a friend (yea....I said it....but I learned how to keep it under wraps, and I really think it's just a crush because I haven't had a partner a long time, so...you know....it's there, which I guess is really bad in and of itself, but it will dissipate within a few days....they always do)

I started loc'ing my hair. (Many people would think that this is such a butch dyke move, but if you knew me, you would know I'm so GIRLY, and I don't think a new hair do' should determine ones sexual orientation either, but I digress)

I'm venturing out into business for a haircare line catered to all women of all colours/ethnic backgrounds.

And I'm enjoying my life.....well, most of it.....(Hey, you....if you're out there....you KNOW you want me....so come and get me...m'kay?! LOL)

Maybe I'm still stuck in Bedlam after all....

Hello Everyone

I hope that everyone had a happy thanksgiving...mines sucked....

Let me give you the run down...it goes from mild..bad..to fcuk it all!

1. Woke up late for my 1st day of work...by an hour because I was up all night cooking...but that's ok, because the manager clocked us in for the right time.

2. Got let go early because they couldn't afford to keep me working today, cool...

3. Driving my friends car back, the tire goes flat. I pull over, a lady makes a u-turn to help me. I had to use her phone because right now I don't have one. My friend calls her phone back and the lady told her that I hit her car, I was hysterical....mind you, see made a u-turn to make sure that I was ok...I was parked when she got to me.

4. I get news that an old friend of mine from secondary school was killed last night when a drunk driver hit his car with 3 other friends head on.

All I can say right now...I am grateful for life, even if it sucks a lot of the time for me.

I'm mad that he died....he was so likeable and loveable, and what, because a person decides to get in his/her car and drive the wrong way down the street? C'mon! All I can say is R.I.P.

It's my Birthday!!!

Well...the 18th is...but since I don't know when I will be able to get on tomorrow, I decided that I would make this post right now!

I will be 22 y/o tomorrow, and that means one thing....I'm getting olde! I'm going to have to break out the anti-wrinkle cream!

(If you can't tell by now...I'm really vain about my age...watch, as soon as I turn 25, I'm going to start telling people that I'm 20).

Anyway....

YAY FOR ME! (and everyone else who has a birthday on the 18th).